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Resentment in Relationships

Resentment in a relationship refers to the build-up of negative feelings towards your partner due to the chronic inability to get your needs met. With variation in intensity, resentment can be a common human experience. However, chronic resentment without constructive resolution can damage the relationship as it erodes the basic emotional safety and mutual respect that a relationship builds on. To help you better identify it and hopefully take action towards positive conflict resolution, here are a few ways resentment can show up in a relationship.

1. Criticism

It is one thing if your partner complains to you that they wish you could wake up a bit early and walk the dog, while it is another if they outright express that you are lazy and always avoid responsibilities. Criticism can be one way to show resentment because it often is an exaggerated expression of your partner's unmet needs. If your partner starts to criticize your character rather than your behavior, that signifies their resentment is coming up. What happened is that they probably feel that something has bothered them for a while, and they have tried to raise it to your attention and didn't feel like it went anywhere.

2. Silent Treatment

Have you encountered a moment where you are unsure if things are "okay" between you and your partner? Everything seems fine-dishes are being washed, and kids are being dropped off at school, except that when you talk to your partner, only one word (or no word at all) comes out of their mouth. It feels like a wall is built, and you are not on the right side. With folks who don't feel comfortable expressing themselves, silent treatment is what they do when they feel resentful. In some relational theories, the behavior is called stone-walling. The silent treatment represents resentment because, ultimately, it communicates disapproval in a way that does not welcome any discussions. This form allows the person who displays the silent treatment protest to their partner without devoting too much emotional energy.

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3. Passive-Aggressiveness

Another way resentment can show up in a relationship is through passive-aggressiveness. For example, when your partner had a positive attitude three months ago when you proposed a fantasy football session at your home with your friends. As you check in with them again, you find out suddenly many inconveniences come up: you already have another plan with another family on the same day; it may be distracting for the already hyper child; it will be raining that day, and the boots will ruin the new carpet, etc. People who don't feel comfortable expressing anger directly or realize their anger tend to use passive-aggressiveness to express their resentment. Passive aggressiveness is usually a covert way to express resentment because it communicates a lack of cooperation without addressing the issues that irritate a partner.

4. Emotionally Checked Out

When people are chronically unhappy and feel defeated about the possibility of having their needs acknowledged, they express resentment through being emotionally checked out. This emotional depletion may look like a partner becoming increasingly invested in work or kids, spending significantly less time at home. It feels like you are two passing ships. Being emotionally checked out is usually a way to express resentment for couples who can't separate for practical reasons. Similar to the silent treatment, it serves as a way to show disapproval while preserving individual resources.

5. Withdrawal from Sex

It is common to think about yelling, screaming, or silent treatment when speaking of resentment. However, a partner can use other uncommon behaviors to express resentment, for example, withdrawal from sex. Have you had a situation where you got into a conflict with your partner where you felt like you resolved it with rationality, but only to find out the next time you want to be intimate with your partner, you were given the cold shoulder? When one partner feels a resolved conflict is not addressed fairly, or there are emotional needs not being met, resentment is built. Because the actual fighting is labeled "over," resentment comes out sideways. From my experience as a relational therapist, it is common to see one partner control the accessibility to emotional intimacy and another partner control the accessibility to physical intimacy. Withdrawal from sex is a way to express resentment because it serves to " get back" at our partner.

What Can You Do?

If you notice you or your partner may be holding some negative feelings towards the relationship, it may be time to open up and talk about it. If you feel many feelings inside, it could be a good idea to take a moment to step back and do some mindfulness-based exercises such as deep breathing to calm your mind first. It is possible that many issues have built up throughout the years, and it is always a good idea to try to focus on one thing at a time.

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If you have tried talking things out and it didn’t feel effective, or if you wanted to make sure you are setting the best foot forward with navigating how to stop feeling resentful to each other and start feeling like each other’s best friend again. We certainly understand your needs. With in-person and online couples counseling available from our Portland counseling center. Our caring therapists are ready to help you explore the best ways to communicate with your partner.

Four Steps to a Healthier Relationship Through Online Couples Counseling in Oregon, Washington, and Illinois

1) Request to Talk to a Therapist

Fill out our brief contact form and one of our therapists will contact you within 24-48 hours ( except for holidays)

2) Talk to a Therapist and Schedule an online couples counseling session

One of our expert relationship therapists will contact you by phone for a free 15-minute consultation to make sure we're a good fit. Then you'll be able to schedule an online couples counseling session.

3) Share with Us a Little more Background on Your Relationship

We will send you and our partner a secure intake link to give us some more background information on your situation to help your therapist understand you a bit more so that they can make your first session as effective and helpful as it can be.

4) Have your First Online Couples Counseling Session

Your first online session will mostly be assessment in nature, but we do want you to have a good experience and to start learning effective communication tools right away. Most couples experience a sense of relief that they have taken the first steps together toward a better relationship and feel hopeful to have found a therapist who can help.

Other mental health services offered at Spark Relational Counseling

Couples counseling can be a valuable resource for your relationship needs. In addition, we understand your needs for support don’t usually fit into one box. In fact, for those who are recently engaged, we offer premarital counseling as well. Congratulations!

At Spark Relational Counseling, we offer a variety of mental health services online in Illinois, Washington, and Oregon and in person. For individuals with struggles in anxiety, we offer anxiety treatment at our Portland-based therapy clinic. For individuals with immigrant parents, and/or trans-racially adopted adults, we offer culturally sensitive individual counseling helping you address issues around identity and culture. For professional working women with concerns around dating, we offer dating therapy that helps you feel more confident in building a strong romantic relationship. Further, as an entrepreneur, I can help you find a better work-life balance with therapy for entrepreneurs. Whatever your mental health needs may be, we are here to help.