How to resolve a conflict in relationships? A Guide from a Family and Marriage Therapist
You’re sitting across from your partner at the dinner table, and what started as a comment about the dishes somehow spirals into a full-blown argument about who does more in the relationship. Again.
The food gets cold. One of you shuts down. The other gets louder, trying to be heard. And in the end, neither of you feels good. Just exhausted… and distant.
If that scene sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Most couples I work with describe moments like this, where the argument isn’t really about the dishes, but about feeling unseen, unappreciated, or disconnected. It’s painful. And it can start to chip away at your sense of safety with each other.
But here’s the thing: conflict isn’t a sign your relationship is broken. It’s often a sign that something important is trying to be expressed, and just hasn’t found the right words yet.
This blog explores what happens beneath the surface of these conflicts and how you can start to approach them differently. We’ll talk about the role communication plays in your relationship, what to do when you and your partner can’t agree, and the kinds of words and habits that quietly chip away at trust. Along the way, you’ll find practical tips and therapeutic insights that can help you move through arguments with more clarity, compassion, and connection.
How to Handle Conflict Resolution with Your Spouse
Conflict with your partner doesn’t always look like shouting or slamming doors. Sometimes it’s quiet, like long silences, short responses, or the feeling that you’re talking but not really being heard.
It’s easy to fall into that pattern, especially when you’re both stretched thin. Maybe one of you is juggling work deadlines while the other is trying to manage the house or care for family. In the midst of all that, small misunderstandings can snowball into bigger arguments, and it starts to feel like you’re speaking different languages.
The truth is, even the strongest relationships need tools to navigate these moments. Developing the ability to manage conflict, communicate effectively, and handle strong emotions is essential. Research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family shows that effective communication is one of the most important predictors of marital satisfaction and long-term relationship success. When communication breaks down, it becomes harder to resolve conflict and easier for resentment to build.
In couples therapy, we don’t just teach communication as a concept. We help you practice it in real time. That might look like learning how to pause before reacting, how to listen for what your partner is really saying (even when strong emotions are present), and how to express your own needs in a way that invites connection rather than defensiveness. It's also important to acknowledge your partner's feelings and perspective during conflict, which helps foster trust and emotional safety.
Tools like active listening, using “I” statements, and setting clear emotional boundaries can shift a conversation from combative to collaborative. Over time, these small changes can rebuild trust and help you both feel more grounded, even in the middle of a disagreement.
Conflict isn’t always avoidable, but how you handle it can make all the difference.
How to resolve conflict when you don't agree?
Some conflicts don’t have a neat resolution. Maybe you want to move closer to family, and your partner doesn’t. Or maybe one of you needs more space, while the other craves closeness. It can feel frustrating—like you’re stuck on opposite sides of a bridge you don’t know how to cross.
In these moments, resolving conflict doesn’t always mean finding perfect agreement. It means finding a way to stay connected while holding different needs or perspectives.
In therapy, we talk a lot about tolerating difference—that is, being able to hold space for two truths at once. Disagreements often arise from differences in ideas, values, or needs. You can love your partner and feel hurt. You can want something deeply and still make room to hear their perspective. This kind of emotional flexibility takes practice.
When couples hit a disagreement, it’s easy to fall into black-and-white thinking: If they don’t agree with me, they don’t care. But the real work is in learning how to slow things down, get curious, and understand what’s underneath the disagreement. Often, it’s not really about the dishes or the vacation plans—it’s about feeling seen, heard, and valued. Conflicting ideas can be at the root of many relationship challenges.
Couples therapy can help you both step out of the tug-of-war and into a more collaborative mindset. That might look like:
Clarifying your values so you understand what really matters to you both.
Practicing reflective listening to make sure your partner feels heard.
Finding small, meaningful compromises that honor each of your needs.
For example, one partner might say, “I know moving feels overwhelming for you. I’m not trying to push you, I just want you to know how much I miss being close to my family. I feel torn, and I want us to find a way through this together.”
Instead of debating or defending, the other might respond with, “I hear that you’re missing them. I’m scared of starting over again, but I don’t want you to carry this alone. Let’s talk about what it could look like, even if we don’t have the answer yet.”
What words should be avoided in conflict resolution?
The way we speak to each other during conflict has the power to either deepen disconnection or build understanding. Sometimes, without realizing it, we fall back on phrases that shut the other person down instead of inviting them in, making it much harder for the conflict to be resolved in a healthy way.
Here are a few kinds of words and phrases to watch out for:
1. Absolutes like “always” and “never.”
“You always ignore me,” or “You never listen,” usually don’t get the response you’re hoping for. These phrases tend to put your partner on the defensive and can make them feel misunderstood or unfairly judged. Instead, try focusing on a specific moment: “I felt dismissed during our conversation this morning.”
2. Blame-heavy language.
Starting with “You” often sounds like an accusation. It shifts the focus away from your feelings and onto their behavior. A gentler approach? Use “I” statements. For example: “I feel overwhelmed when I don’t know what you’re thinking,” instead of “You never tell me what’s going on.”
3. Contempt or name-calling.
Even in heated moments, words like “selfish,” “lazy,” or “dramatic” can leave lasting scars. Contempt is one of the most damaging communication patterns in relationships, according to decades of research by the Gottman Institute. If you feel that kind of intensity rising, it’s okay to take a pause. Step away, breathe, and return when you're more grounded.
4. Dismissive or minimizing language.
Saying things like “You’re overreacting,” or “It’s not that big of a deal” can make your partner feel invalidated—even if that wasn’t your intention. Conflict resolution is about leaning into your partner’s experience, even when you don’t fully understand it.
How to stay calm in confrontation?
Staying calm during a heated conversation can feel impossible, especially when every instinct is telling you to defend yourself or retreat. But calm is not just an absence of anger—it’s an active choice to pause, breathe, and respond with intention, even when emotions are running high. This doesn’t mean bottling things up or pretending you’re not upset. Instead, it’s about tuning into what you’re feeling, recognizing and managing your emotion during conflict, giving yourself a moment to catch your breath, and choosing words that move the conversation forward instead of escalating the tension. It’s also important to stay focused on the issue at hand, so you don’t get sidetracked by unrelated frustrations.
One helpful strategy is to notice when your stress is rising. Pay attention to physical cues—like a racing heart, clenched jaw, or shallow breathing. If you start to feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to ask for a short break. You might say, “I want to talk about this, but I can feel myself getting upset. Can we pause for a few minutes and come back to it?” Taking even a few deep breaths can help calm your body and mind, giving both of you space to return to the conversation with more clarity and empathy.
Remind yourself that you and your partner are on the same team, even when it doesn’t feel like it in the moment. Focusing on your shared goals—like understanding each other better or finding a solution together—can help you stay grounded. No one stays calm all the time, but making small shifts toward self-awareness and gentleness (with yourself and your partner) can turn even difficult conflicts into moments of growth and connection.
Managing Stress and Conflict
Stress is a part of life, but when it seeps into your relationship, it can make even small conflicts feel overwhelming. When you or your partner are under pressure—whether from work, family, or personal challenges—it’s easy to become more reactive, less patient, and less able to resolve conflict in healthy ways. Over time, chronic stress can lead to anxiety, depression, and a sense of disconnection, making it even harder to navigate relationship problems.
That’s why managing stress and conflict is so important for building a healthy relationship. Simple coping strategies like deep breathing, regular exercise, or practicing mindfulness can help you stay grounded when emotions run high. These tools don’t just help you feel better in the moment—they also give you the clarity and calm needed to approach conflicts with compassion and understanding.
In couples therapy, managing stress is a key part of the process. A neutral third party, such as a therapist, can help you and your partner explore your feelings, identify sources of stress, and develop healthier ways to communicate. Couples counseling offers a safe space to talk openly about your differences, without assigning blame or getting stuck in old patterns. By learning skills like active listening and expressing your emotions constructively, you can resolve conflicts more effectively and strengthen your connection.
Body language also plays a powerful role in how we communicate during conflict. Sometimes, it’s not just the words you say, but how you say them—your facial expressions, posture, and tone of voice can all send important signals to your partner. Being mindful of these nonverbal cues can help you better understand each other’s feelings and needs, leading to more empathetic and effective communication.
It’s also important to recognize that past experiences and painful memories can shape how we respond to conflict. Sometimes, unresolved issues like substance abuse, depression, or past abuse can add extra layers of stress to a relationship. Couples counseling can help you and your partner identify and address these underlying challenges, so you can move forward together with greater understanding and trust.
Managing stress and conflict isn’t a one-time fix—it’s an ongoing commitment to growth, learning, and supporting each other through life’s ups and downs. Individual therapy can also be a valuable resource, giving you space to explore your own feelings, develop new coping strategies, and bring your best self to your relationship. By prioritizing healthy communication, self-awareness, and mutual support, you and your partner can build a stronger, more resilient relationship—one that brings more joy, intimacy, and long-term success into both of your lives.
What shouldn't you do while resolving conflict?
When emotions are high, it’s easy to slip into habits that protect us in the moment… but actually create more distance in the long run.
Both parties in a dispute should be mindful to avoid these common pitfalls, as they can hinder effective conflict resolution and damage the relationship.
Here are a few things to avoid when you’re trying to resolve a conflict with your partner:
1. Don’t interrupt or talk over each other.
When you’re upset, your mind might race ahead to what you want to say next. But interrupting sends the message that you’re not really listening. Try instead to take a breath and fully hear your partner out. You might be surprised by what comes through when both of you feel safe to finish a thought.
2. Don’t avoid the issue entirely
It can be tempting to shut down or say “it’s fine” just to keep the peace, but unspoken resentment doesn’t disappear. It lingers. If bringing things up feels too overwhelming, therapy can help you build the skills (and courage) to talk through things gently, without shutting down or blowing up.
3. Don’t aim to “win” the argument.
In a healthy relationship, it’s not about winning—it’s about understanding. Conflict isn’t a battle; it’s a bridge. If one person walks away feeling defeated or unheard, no one truly wins. Focus instead on finding common ground, or even just understanding why you see things differently.
4. Don’t use threats or ultimatums.
Statements like “If you don’t do this, I’m leaving,” or “You’d better change or else…” create fear, not connection. They often come from a place of desperation, but they shut down honest dialogue. If you’re feeling hopeless or stuck, it may be time to reach out for support together
5. Don’t bring up every past mistake.
We’ve all had moments we’re not proud of. But during conflict, bringing up past hurts (especially if they’ve already been addressed) can pile on shame and keep you both stuck in the past. Unresolved history in a relationship can make it even harder to resolve current conflicts, as old issues may resurface and complicate finding a solution. Try to stay with the present issue. You’re allowed to say what hurts, without turning it into a list of everything that’s ever gone wrong.
Final Thoughts from a Family & Marriage Therapist in Portland, OR
Every couple struggles. Conflict doesn’t mean your relationship is broken—it means you both care enough to want things to be better. Clients often come in with a variety of concerns, including grief from loss or trauma, and the challenges of divorce and its impact on families.
As a family and marriage therapist, I’ve sat with couples who’ve come in feeling disconnected, defeated, or afraid they’ll never find their way back to each other. And I’ve also witnessed what’s possible when two people choose to lean in, even when it’s hard. Conflict can become a turning point—a chance to learn how to listen more deeply, speak more kindly, and reconnect with the love that brought you together in the first place.
If you’re feeling stuck, therapy can offer a soft place to land. A space to slow things down, explore what’s really going on beneath the surface, including exploring personal beliefs and how those beliefs impact your relationships, and learn tools that bring clarity and closeness. You don’t have to figure it out alone.
Whether you’re navigating the same argument on repeat or avoiding hard conversations altogether, know that healing is possible, and it often begins with one brave step forward. As your therapist, our role is to serve clients as they navigate these challenges, supporting you through growth and healing.
Four Steps to Begin Couples Therapy in Portland, OR
Reach Out to a Therapist
Fill out our brief contact form, and one of our therapists will get in touch within 24-48 hours (excluding holidays). We offer individual, couples, and family therapy to support you in creating the connections you desire.
Connect with a Therapist and Schedule Your Session
One of our expert therapists will call you for a free 15-minute consultation. This initial conversation will help us determine if we’re a good fit for each other. After that, you can schedule your online counseling session.
Share Your Experience with Us
We’ll send you a secure intake link where you can provide background information about your situation. This allows us to tailor your sessions to best support you.
Attend Your First Therapy Session
Your first session will focus on understanding your experiences with loneliness, social connection, and self-worth. Our goal is to create a positive experience where you feel heard and supported. Many clients leave feeling a sense of relief, knowing they have taken the first steps toward meaningful change.
Other Services We Offer for Couples & Individuals
At Spark Relational Counseling, we recognize that loneliness is just one aspect of mental well-being. We offer a variety of services, including:
Therapy for Anxiety in Washington, Oregon, and Illinois helps you manage and reduce anxiety symptoms.
Dating & Relationship Therapy to help women build confidence in romantic relationships
Infidelity Counseling, Marriage Counseling, and Premarital Counseling, including support for partners to resolve disputes and find effective solutions together
Therapy for Entrepreneurs navigating the stress of business ownership
Therapy for Adult Children of Immigrant and Cross-cultural Individuals, we value diversity and cultural sensitivity, and offer support for individuals navigating the unique challenges of having immigrant or cross-cultural parents.
